Vision Therapy

Three years ago, I went to my first Vision Therapy appointment with “Dr. Magic” AKA Tod Davis of Virginia Vision Therapy. 

Well, actually, he is the Optometrist, and several of the people working for him are the vision therapists. I worked with A. She is fantastic. I miss her.

She was so kind and patient with me. I was going through some of the worst, hardest things in my life at that point. I often showed up, crying and crying and feeling unsafe. 

She would sit me down in a chair and help me ground myself under a weighted blanket. And be so gentle, listening to me cry and maybe talk, maybe be unable to talk. And I would gradually realize I was safe with her. I am so grateful for professionals who make a safe place for the people they are working with. 

The weighted blanket draped over my shoulders would help weigh me down so that I couldn’t dissociate. She would also strap 1 lb weights on my ankles, also to weigh me down. 

My memory says she was working on my propreoception - helping me know where I am in space. I wasn’t floating up by the ceiling, I wasn’t existing somewhere in the past. She was helping me realize I was right there - seated in a chair at the Vision Therapy office. 

I am so grateful to Dr. Tod Davis for diagnosing my eyes correctly. I had gone to eye doctors for about 40 years by the time I found him. I had told numerous eye doctors, “my eyes don’t work together.” They just dismissed it. And gave me eye glasses the same way every other eye doctor does. 

Dr. Davis tested me to see if I could see in 3D, and determined that I couldn’t. He also diagnosed me with lack of convergence, double-vision and many other things. He pointed out that reading is difficult for me. I didn’t know that - because I had, for 40 years, done tricks to make reading a bit easier for me - covering up words, closing 1 eye, squinting with my other eye… 

Now I know - I have trouble reading. 

Anyway, 3 years ago is when I started this vision therapy journey and I am so grateful to have come quite a ways with my own vision. 

I spent money sending my son to vision therapy. He wasn’t really ever able to articulate what he did in vision therapy to me. He has trouble articulating day-to-day things. I had hoped to blog more about his journey, but I wasn’t able to learn from him what they worked on very much. 

His journey is now over with them. Being younger, they were able to find a lot more success with molding his brain to learn new ways to use his eyes than they were able to with me. 

I had been hoping, once he was done going, that I would be able to resume going for me. I can’t afford it. 

I have stopped practicing the at-home things like the bead on a string that helps me look at something close to my eyes (like a bead) and work on the muscle that crosses our eyes. It’s a great eye muscle exercise. 

I feel like my ADHD gets in the way of me doing *anything* every single day. Story of my life - I am not consistent. Thank you, ADHD. 

I am also grateful to my ADHD, by the way, because it enables me to have moments when I can hyper-focus and do things like write a whole book in a relatively short period of time. 

Speaking of which, I am writing a whole new book. It’s on a topic that a lot of people may not feel comfortable reading, but if they actually sit down and read my book, they will walk away realizing it’s not actually the uncomfortable topic they have been taught it was, their whole life. 

Thank you for reading my blog. 

By the way, I have never asked my blog readers to buy stuff from me. I did start this blog hoping I could monetize it at some point. I have done everything I can to monetize this blog, and it won’t. I write and write and get discouraged, and write more later. 

The way you can help me is by Leaving a Comment. 

Seriously. Leaving a Comment on my blog posts would seriously help me towards my goal of monetizing my blog. 

I approached an eyeglasses maker about them paying me if I would write about their eyeglasses and they basically told me “no.” If, however, I had comments on this blog, showing I actually have readers who engage with my blog, that would help me in the future when I approach other companies about paying me to blog. 

Thank you for considering this & leaving a comment. 

Dissociation

A portion of an acrylic painting I did. Light turquoise, medium dusty blue, silver interact in an almost ethereal way.

Insurance doesn’t pay for vision therapy. And I couldn’t afford to go to vision therapy while also sending my son to visit on therapy. So, I stopped going to vision therapy when it was time to send my son. He is younger and I felt vision therapy could help him so much more than it’s been able to help my mid-life-self. I was right. it was the right thing to do. 

 Since stopping vision therapy, I am realizing I have started to go backwards. 

My eyes fatigue a lot. They are in pain a lot now. And I am finally admitting this to myself. 

Also, I am starting to dissociate again. Dissociating for me is when I float above my body. My mind is somewhere else entirely. I can be doing things and looking like I am interacting normally with whatever’s in front of me. It could be doing the dishes or driving my car on an extremely familiar route. 

I am just starting to admit this to myself - that I am starting to dissociate again. Time to get out the ankle weights, and do more difficult tasks that require focus, to keep me grounded. 

3D Moment

I live in a mountainous region (the Shenandoah Mountains, part of the Appalacean Mountain range in central Virginia.). 

I was driving on a road, and the sun was in my eyes. I must have mentioned before on this blog somewhere how sensitive my eyes are to light. I probaby mentioned it in one of my Dissociation posts. My eye doctor, Dr. Magic AKA Dr. Tod Davis of Virginia Vision Therapy liks the two. He says they are commonly linked -- dissociaiton and sensitivity to light. 

I already had on my prescription sunglasses. I added on orange clip-ons from Rainbow OPTX. 

I put them on, and felt my eyes open up. I wasn't being bombarded from the sun so strongly, and felt my eyes rest. 

Soon after, I was driving towards a perfect round tree on the right side of the road, and beyond the tree, I could see the mountains in the distance. 

Now, normally, it looks like a postcard to me. It's all flat. I know the mountain is beyond the  tree becasue 1) that's how it is, there is road going from in front of me, next to the tree, and getting smaller and smaller, eventually looks like it's running into the mountain. 2) the tree is covering part of the mountain. The mountain isn't hiding the tree. 

When my eyes were able to rest, and it was a clear, sunny day, I had a brief moment, driving towards that tree, where I saw the tree in 3D - popping closer to me than the mountains. 

I love the brief moments when I get to see something in 3D! The only time I consistently see in 3D is when I am in a 3D theater, wearing those special glasses. 

The rest of my drive and for drives in the future, I was trying to find a tree and mountains way off in the distance, so I could see the tree standing out , towards me, the way it did that one time. But, I only saw it the one time. 

I look forward to the time (and I have hope that this will happen some day) when my brain makes some adjustments and connections and can see in 3D consistently. 

Oh, the things the majority of folks out there take for granted. To me, seeing in 3D is magical. I'd love to see that magic a whole lot more in my life. 

Slowing Down

Since I stopped going to vision therapy, I am finding I have fewer things to blog about regularly. I am not posting every Monday like I used to. 

I think I will start going to every other Monday now for posting. I will also be posting my dad’s articles because he was a cool writer and I want more people to see his writings. My intention with these is to post the first Monday of every month with these. I just need to sit down and type them in. I’ll get to it. 

Thank you for understanding. 

What topics would you like to see me cover? Would you like more about dissociation? Visual memory? Night vision? Vision exercises? Let me know. Thank you!

Please comment below. 

Dissociation Progress

I don’t think I ever specifically talked about things my Vision Therapist, A, did to help me. And I want to share that. 

When I first started vision therapy, I was overwhelmed by life. I had just initiated separation from my long term partner and was trying to figure out next steps in my life. I had no idea how to move on to the next step and I was still living in the turmoil I was desperate to get out of. 

Too often, I showed up at vision therapy thoroughly exhausted, rattled by the traffic to get there, dehydrated because that’s a constant struggle for me, severely depressed, overwhelmed, and crying. 

A has been wonderfully kind the whole time. She is a gem and a jewel. She is also a mom. She mothered me and cared for me. She believes her job is to make a safe environment for the ones getting therapy; people can only heal when they feel safe. She also knows her job is helping our brain create new pathways. In my case, my brain never figured out how to see in 3D with just my eyeballs and no gimmicks. That’s a MAJOR brain pathway I have never developed. 

I dissociated regularly at that time in my life. Dissociating, for me, means leaving my body and hovering over it. I see what it’s going through. I see if it’s “safe” or not, and I go somewhere else while sort of keeping an eye on my physical body - what it is doing, where it is, if people are around and if they are safe or not, if they need something from me. 

I go somewhere else and experience a completely different life. There are happy, safe, good people where I go to when I am dissociating. I am at a different location like a beach or a forest. Somewhere safe and “big nature.” That’s a phrase I have never articulated before. “Big nature.” As in: lots of nature around me - beach, dirt, land, rocks, trees, forest, cave, lake.... nature as far as the eye can see and body can feel and smell. 

Well, A’s job is to help me heal. One of my multiple diagnoses was for dissociation. (Depersonalization and derealization are also valid things that happen to people. You can learn about all 3 of these on Wikipedia. They have an excellent page describing all of this.) so A worked hard on helping me stay in the present and not dissociate. 

I know she often listened to me as I talked through the crying. Over time, we got comfortable with each other and she would hug me. 

I think every time I was upset, she would first get me a heavy weighted blanket and drape it over my shoulders. Then she would put lightweight ankle weights on me. These grounded me and kept me present and in my emotions. Helping me deal with the current traumas. 

About a year into therapy, one time she was having me do an exercise of batting at a ball on a string that was swinging like a pendulum from its anchor in the ceiling. At one point, she asked me “how are you doing?” And I said, “I think I am dissociating.” I was doing the activity but I wasn’t present. I wasn’t actually there. 

She immediately responded that she needed to make it harder — forcing me to pay attention. I asked her, “can you make this harder?” I felt surprised and possibly bewildered. She chuckled nicely and said, “can I make it harder.” It was funny. And then she made the activity harder. 😂

I think that was a breakthrough for my dissociation. I learned that in order to stay present, I need things to pay attention to. I started paying attention when I was cooking. There are smells and colors and things associated with that! It was a pleasure to “tune in” to things like cooking. I turned on music more and tried to sing alone. (I seriously struggle to memorize anything and it takes me a long time to work out what lyrics are and to memorize them, even when it’s a song I love that I want to learn the lyrics to.)

It’s been a while since I dissociated. Tuning into my current life has had its ups and downs. Some things are wonderful about the life I am heading towards, and some things have been so stuck and immobile. I am dealing with it the best I can - through continued long-term exhaustion and overwhelming fatigue. 

As I have learned more about my own dissociation, I have found so many others struggle with it too, and maybe my blog posts on this topic will help other people. 

Improvement on my Light Sensitivity

I may have mentioned that I have a sensitivity to light. When I first went to Dr. Tod Davis of Virginia Vision Therapy, he diagnosed me (for over an hour) with all kinds of things including suppression, diplopia (this means "double vision"), dissociation, and light sensitivity. He asked me if I keep the house kind of dark. I laughed, because it has long bothered the room mate I have been living with for quite a while. 

Yes. I keep the house dark. I may have mentioned in a previous blog post that I had a declutter expert come, and she uncovered the windows. I believe I talked about the fact that I had windows covered thanks to something that folks who are older (as I am - I am rapidly approaching 50) who dissociate. 

Well, she took down various things from all of my windows. Her whole message for decluttering is to Lighten Up! She likes to let the light in. I thought I did too, but between her decluttering with me, and Dr. Davis teaching me that folks who dissociate cover their windows & like the dark ... it's true. I had covered my windows. One window was covered completely with a 5 rack shelf holding spindly plants. I didn't think about it blocking the light - but it truly was. 

After my declutter expert left, I covered the windows back up with some rather opaque contact paper. Then I got to thinking about it. (I learn things a bit slowly, over time.) 

I bought myself a light therapy lamp for helping with Seasonal Affect Disorder (I am just coming to terms with the fact that I may have this too). My friend Katie of the Fellowship of Former Christian Scientists recommended a lamp to heal with Seasonal Affect Disorder. I mentioned this in a post about Light Therapy. 

Well, I bought a similar one to hers by the same brand - "Happy Light." I haven't been using it every day, but I use it regularly. Maybe 3-5 days per week for 15+ minutes. I just put the lamp on and do my paperwork or look at the clothes in my closet or play with my dog or something. I would like to think it's helping. 

Well, between that lamp and the Syntonics work I did, I believe I am getting less light sensitive! 

I used to drive down the road at night and be so angry at the headlights blaring at me. They hurt my eyes and I couldn't see a thing. Or I wasn't able to sleep at night if the room wasn't completely dark. I had black blinds up and those were covered by heavy brown curtains. The room still wasn't dark enough. 

I have covered all those infernal lights that electronics all seem to sport these days - those hideous blue lights that burn my pupils. I covered all of them (at the suggestion of a smart friend who knows about such things) with red electrical tape. Every tiny little effort I did, made the room more and more dark. And I still wore a black, silk sleep mask and still suffered from the room that had too much light. Maybe it was a bright moon that night, or maybe the hall light was on, peeping in under the door, who knows. Drove me crazy - FOR YEARS. 

Well, I think all of the efforts I have been making now have had really good results! 

I am now able to sleep with the black blinds on the window, partially open. And I have pretty sheer curtains over instead of the heavy brown curtains. 

I haven't been angry in awhile at cars with their headlights blaring at me at night. Come to think of it, I don't drive at night because I actually have lousy night vision. (I know it's lousy, because my kids can see just fine and I feel completely blind.) I am driving less and less at night, when I can help it. Thankfully, my older son is starting to drive now. So if we need to go somewhere at night, it's likely he can drive us. He drove us to the grocery store last week and to my friend's house to deliver a present, last night!

I don't know how to explain or quantify this, but I can tell I am no longer sensitive to the light the way I once was. I don't know if it's the syntonics that I did or the Happy Light that I am using these days. But it's nice to wake up in the morning and have some light i
n my room so I don't have to figure out how to get a lamp on when I can't see anything. 

My windows aren't nearly as covered up as they have been for so long, either. That's nice too. I like looking out the windows and seeing Mother Nature. I have beautiful trees in my yard and I love looking at them. 

I guess that's it for this week's blog post. 

I have a lot lot lot LOT going on in my life right now and I apologize that I have missed a blog post or two. My focus hasn't quite been on my vision therapy as it once was. 

I only have 3 more sessions to go! Then my son will start. While he has similar challenges to mine (diplopia, lack of 3D), his issues manifest with different symptoms to mine. He walks into furniture a few times a week. I feel sorry for him. I still walk into furniture too, but not nearly as much as I used to. I hope vision therapy will help him with that. I am confident it will, in fact.

I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year! Happy 2021!

Light Sensitivity

Did I mention that I am completely sensitive to light? It is another thing that is connected with Dissociation. 

I walk around my home with as few lamps turned on as possible. I just don't like artificial light. I love the light that comes in through the windows, though! I don't like it when I am sitting on the couch and the sun is setting and the sun glares into my eyes as it moves / as it sets. But the rest of the day, I love the natural light through the windows. 

When Dr. Davis tested me, he said at one point, as if it was obvious to him, "are you sensitive to light?" 

He pointed out something I hadn't realized - I am sensitive to light above my head. I mean, most light comes from above my head. But it turns out that in other ways they have tested me, I see things more easily when they come from below me, and I miss out of a lot of things above me. 

Come to think of it, every time I have had a concussion (and also including the head bumps I get too often when I am getting into my own car!), it is because I didn't see something above me; above my forehead. 

I wonder if them helping me with dissociation and also with the syntonics, light therapy, I wonder if this will help me not be so sensitive to light? I wonder if this will help me not keep my house at darker levels than others keep their house at. (I always figured I was saving energy anyway, so I didn't think much of it, the fact that I kept the house lights off as much as possible. But it has been known to bother room mates of mine over the years.) 

Staring into a lightbulb every night for 10 minutes, then 10 minutes again .... even with the dark sunglasses on controlling the color and intensity that hits my eyes, well, it IS bright. In fact, I rather enjoy the indigo glasses and color. Indigo is one of my favorite colors! The green ones are noticeably brighter to me and I don't enjoy staring at that one nearly as much as the indigo. 

Interestingly enough, even though I am staring at a light bulb, it doesn't hurt my eyes the way I kept thinking it would. I would cringe at the beginning, but it hasn't ever hurt my eyes. Doing this day after day after day, I realized I started to look forward to doing it. 

I am supposed to do 20 sessions in a row of this. So far, I am having trouble getting up to more than 8 or 9 days in a row. Then my eyes are just tired and feeling strain. So I have to start my count of days all over again. 

I may have mentioned that in a few months, my son will be starting vision therapy with Dr. Davis' team too. I wonder if he will be given Syntonics / light therapy to do too? I wonder if he will be given different colored sunglasses to look through? 

I look forward to the time that I hope will happen - when I realize I am no longer sensitive to light the way I have been, my whole life. 

Dissociation

My Optometrist gave a talk on Memorial Day. He interviewed me and I was 1 of 2 current patients of his that he featured in the talk. In order to see the talk, you need to have a membership to an optometry website: I heart VT. Like - I love Vision Therapy. I think this is the link: https://www.iheartvt.org 

[Photo: the iheart VT logo. There is a black heart to the left of the words, and the photo has a magenta offset heart above it and to the left, and a turquoise offset heart below it and to the right.]

I wonder how many of you relate to some of the things he said?

The topic was Dissociation. He was explaining how Optometrists can recognize that many of their patients probably do it. And how to help them with Vision Therapy.

There are some of the symptoms -

1. Tunneling. Meaning, focused so intently on what you are looking at, so that the background disappears. This can show up as a person walking and staring at the ground, unable to look up as they walk. This can also show up with horse back riders - they stare at the horses head to the frustration of horse riding trainers.
2. Sensitivity to light. Keeping lights off in the house. Walking around in the dark.
3. Issues with driving and parking. Not able to gage what speed you are going. Not able to park straight.
4. Being startled easily when things come in to your visual range.
5. Unable to focus on reading. Unable to focus on studying.
6. Things (like furniture, the floor, fixed objects) “move.” (Jareth has this. It was my normal; I didn’t realize I have this until vision therapy made things stop moving and then it was AMAZINGly calm.)
7. Perhaps existing in a “fictional world” in your head. That can feel very real. 
8. Isolation. This one struck me big - because I see me having been doing this over the years, more and more: Isolation, over time, means "not wanting to leave the house." Closing curtains and closing yourself in. It doesn’t start when someone is younger but increases over the years. I just blocked off my windows with contac paper maybe 2 months ago. My decluttering expert unblocked windows of mine. And I have basically re-blocked them off. Remember, I am approaching 50. So if you’re in your 20s or 30s, you may not relate to this one. No worries.

The exercises they have given me - wear ankle weights during vision therapy and at home now and then (light weight: 1 pound weights) and use a weighted blanket have helped me. There was a time during Vision Therapy with my therapist, A, when she asked me "how are you doing?" And I replied: "I think I am dissociating." She got into gear and made the exercise much harder so I was forced to pay attention!

That moment was a pivotal moment for me - I need to pay attention to the HERE and NOW. Smells, sensations, my 5 senses ... these are the things I pay attention to much more now after months of vision therapy with their focus to help me not dissociate anymore! I don't think I dissociate anymore, but I will get back to you on that. This is HUGE!

By the way, people who dissociate in their childhood (as I did), have large chunks of their memory missing. I have large chunks of my memory missing. I do remember, as a child, thinking, "I need to remember my memories, or I will forget them." And I would sit there and intentionally review my memories. I wonder if other people ever did that too? Please let me know your thoughts on this topic in the comments, below. Thank you!

Dissociation

One of the things my vision therapist is working on me with very intensely is “dissociation.” It’s an official diagnosis. One of the things they have pointed out to me with this is that I am not aware of my feet or my body when I am walking. 

My gravity reader in my body is dialed way too low. They want me to get ankle weights and wear them everywhere to make my gravity reader go up. So I will dissociate less.  

[This is a photo of me walking the board, wearing my dress that has blue roses on it. I have my right leg raised, and I am tapping my knee with my left hand. I am also wearing black ankle weights in this photo.]

I continue to be surprised and (grateful?) that this is an actual, diagnosable thing. And that they are working on it with me.  I am literally learning how to walk again. 

Today they had me swinging my arms widely while looking straight forward. They also have me walking on either side of a plank and tapping my raised knee with each step, with my opposite hand. It is cross-body exercises. We are re-wiring my brain to have cross-connections that I apparently never made in early childhood. 

Per their instructions, I bought a walking rail for my dining room. I painted it a happy turquoise. 

I walk it a lot. My feet follow the edges of it so I am learning to walk properly.

I will he saying quite a bit more about this in future blog posts.