Who is watching the trial? I have watched a huge chunk of it. I don’t have great Internet at home and I don’t have cable TV. So I am watching what I can, when I can.
I saw a portion this week that was Johnny Depp talking about his left eye. He said most people’s eyes are spherical in shape. Depp said his left eye was not spherical but rather oblong. Because of this, he said his brain never learned to use his left eye. He said he is legally blind in his left eye.
[Photo, courtesy of Vanity Fair. Shows Johnny Fox on the witness stand in the Fairfax County Circuit Court in Fairfax, Virginia. Johnny is wearing pink rimmed glasses with blue lenses that match the knot of his blue tie.]
I see him put on his light blue glasses. I know I have always closed my right eye so I don’t see double when I am reading. But when I type, I tend to shut my left eye.
I guess I was expecting to see Depp shut his left eye when reading the computer monitor, but he doesn’t. I guess he just doesn’t see out of it. It’s fascinating to me how many different eye issues people have. We all do our own quirks with these vision and eye issues. I have trouble seeing out of my left eye, and I do the flickering eyesight, which overwhelms me with information and forces my brain to block out large portions of what I am taking in both visually and auditory.
He is an extraordinary actor. I have been a fan of his Mad Hatter character and his character in 21 Jump Street, and of course his Captain Jack Sparrow character for years. I wasn’t aware of all the other movies he was in, though. I have seen him in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He did a great job, but I wasn’t a fan of that version of the movie. I also wasn’t a fan of the Sweeney Todd, Demon of Seville movie.
It’s an interesting thing, when your eyes don’t work like “everyone else’s.” It makes you look at the world differently, laugh at different kinds of humor, find creativity everywhere you look.
Regarding the trial, and I am treading carefully here, I have learned that too many people are abusers, and too many people have been victims of abuse. I believe any gender can be abused, and I believe any gender can be the abuser.
It breaks my heart to see a victim tell the truth, even if it means bringing out their own skeletons from their own closet, and to see the abuser sit there on the stand, lying and believing they are getting away with something.
In a previous blog post, I mentioned that someone pointed out to me 20 years ago that I park crooked. I have always parked crooked. I can't do any better.
A few months ago, some random man in a parking lot actually started hassling me after accusing me of parking too close to the line. I told him, "I have vision issues and I can't do better." Which of course was an invitation to him to tell me his life story and all of his woes. That will teach me to sit in my car and check social media for a few minutes after having pizza with a friend!
In the words of Mark Twain: "But I digress."
[A sepia toned photo of Mark Twain sitting on a chair in clearing.]
Well, a few weeks ago, maybe 3 months now? I am seriously beginning to lose track of time.... I noticed that I have started consistently parking about 3-4 feet from the end of the parking space. You know how you pull in, and there is a white painted line and your car can go forward until you reach it, then you nicely stop before you go over that white line?
I started parking about 3 or 4 feet away from it. Before reaching it. Consistently. For weeks! I couldn't, for the life of me, get up to the line. I knew I was doing this, and I would inch forward, inch forward, inch forward. And then park. Get out of the car, and I was still several feet away from that darn line.
I used to park so crooked. I am probably still doing that. And: in addition to that, I am now parking towards the outer edge of a parking spot and not all the way IN the parking spot.
I am definitely starting to perceive space differently. It is weird to know these things intellectually but not know how to fix them quickly or easily.
I guess I will just keep doing the exercises and practicing with the tools I have and over time, maybe I will see the way a healthy-eyed person sees. Or at least MORE like the way a healthy-eyed person sees!
I can only hope.
I will leave you with this funny thing -- my younger son suddenly has a thing for Boston accents. I had us watch "Good Will Hunting." It was fun to watch my boys try to figure out where they had seen the main character (Will Hunting) in other movies. I finally had to tell them: "He is the main character in "The Martian." I am, of course, talking about Matt Damon.
In Boston, they don't say, "Park the Car," the way the majority of Americans do. So, in the words of a true Bostonian, I will leave you these words: "Pahk the Cah in Hahvahd Yahd."
My boys were surprised to see this line in the movie. They didn't know where the reference came from, but they have heard the line, "How do you like them apples?" planty of times before.
When I got home and had a chance to just lie down in my bed and stare up at the ceiling, my ceiling was also 3D.
Now, our ceilings have that 1970s popcorn look to them. I pretend they look like daisies so I don't see it as ugly like I would if it was just the stipple effect with no pattern.
Well, so usually, the ceiling looks like it's well above my head. I guess we have 8 feet ceilings, though we haven't measured them. My 6 feet tall kids can reach them, but I can't. So I am guessing they are about 8 feet tall ceilings.
Usually, I know a ceiling is there but I don't pay much attention to it.
This whole idea reminds me of a scene in the movie "Blast from the Past" with Alicia Silverstone and Brendan Fraser.
Brendan Fraser plays a character named "Adam" in the movie, and he has just shown up at Alicia's (Eve's) house. Adam is in a room with Eve's roommate, Troy. Adam looks up at the ceiling and tells Troy, "You have nice ceilings."
Troy says, "You like ceilings?" and has a perplexed look on his face.
Adam says, "Not particularly." He looks happy as he says it. It is just an amusing little scene in the movie. If you haven't seen that movie, see it. It's such a fun movie.
Back to my own ceilings. ... Well, my bed is standard height. I looked up at the ceiling and I felt like it was 3 feet away from me. I felt as if the ceiling was going to crush me. It was a bizarre feeling: to have cognitive dissonance about my ceiling.
Cognitive dissonance is something that means "two opposite thoughts held at the same time in your head." I know that the ceiling won't crush me. I know it's not falling. I know it's not just 3 feet away from me. But it looks like it's falling on me and that if I stand up, I will bump my head on it.
It was scary, and part of me said that I wanted to move RIGHT THEN - to a place with cathedral ceilings. It's very bizarre when you feel like your home is going to crush you.
Maybe I am in a movie kind of mood, but now I am remembering the scene from Star Wars: A New Hope, when the walls of the trash compactor threaten the heros of the movie.
I tried rolling over, I tried looking at a farther part of the ceiling. The whole thing was just really weird and a bit unnerving. I wasn't a fan.
Eventually, I went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning and could still see in 3D!
I took dogs on walks and enjoyed the new spring blossoms on the trees. It was interesting knowing when to dodge tree limbs rather than walk right into them, like I usually have in the past. I was grateful for that new skill!
About mid-afternoon, my eyes got very tired and felt like the muscles had been working too hard, and my eyes slipped back to normal. I was back to seeing the way I normally see.
The next day, I tried aligning my eyes again, to see if I could do the 3D thing again. The muscles in my eyes hurt when I tried. They had been overworked and needed a rest.
I thought perhaps that the next week at Vision Therapy, we would do the same thing and I would be able to get the magic 3D vision back, but we didn't.
My usual therapist, A, was there, and she is so gentle and calm with me. Her entire objective with me is to help me feel safe. She is exceptionally good at it. She is progressing slowly with me. It occurred to me that I just wasn't ready yet to see in 3D, since it made me feel like my house was crushing me.
Ever since seeing 3D, I have noticed that ceilings now have an arc look to them. They used to be a straight line to me, left to right. But now the ceiling line above me, in front of me (where it meets the wall right in front of me) is raised in a gentle arc. If I look to the left or the right, the arc goes down. The part where the ceiling has a corner on the left, the ceiling arcs down to the left. The part where the ceiling has a corner on the right, the ceiling arcs down to the right.
I asked a friend if this is what they see, too. "Do ceilings have an arc look to them? Or do they just look straight?" and my friend said that perhaps I am just perceiving space differently now. I think that's completely true. I am definitely perceiving space differently now.
Case in point - I can now park my car straight. Just in time to not be driving anywhere anymore thanks to Covid-19. I guess that's what "they" call "irony." Who? I don't know. Just "they."
It's true - a few weeks ago I went on one of my last grocery shopping trips before quarantining myself for what I think is now 6 weeks or more. (I have lost track.) And I got out of the car. I felt like perhaps my car was in the space differently, so I walked around my car and looked at it from all the angles.
This was the first time I have noticed that I parked myself perfectly in a parking spot. I wasn't 4 feet from the front, and I wasn't crooked from the side. A first! I am 40+ years old (creeping up on 50) and I have now parked straight maybe 3 times total.
I am definitely starting to perceive space in new ways.
Last week, I wrote about wearing stronger Prism glasses. I wrote about how the glasses distort the room. I wrote about how my brain is starting to trust what my eyes see.
I want to quickly mention that my usual Vision Therapist, A, has had me hold a stick - maybe like a bamboo rain stick - and has changed the prism glasses on me and asked me, "does it feel straight or curved?" She has done this for weeks now.
Each time my brain, my eyes and my brain again FIGHT to figure out the answer. I know it's straight. Or do I? Have I ever seen this particular stick with my glasses off? Is it straight? I don't know!
I touch it and wonder. I always answer, "I don't know." I think one time I said, "I think it's curved." And she was so happy about that, but didn't elaborate. Like I said, I think they do things here to help me but don't always want to tell me exactly what they're doing - so the help will flow out organically and on its own timeline, rather than trying to force results by "cheating" and telling me what I'm supposed to think and feel about something.
Well, so after I completely walked across the room (as told in the previous blog post) twice, with the distortion glasses on, my vision therapist, C, put 3D glasses on me. Over my own pair of glasses. He put two traffic cones on the floor - one on either side of me. These are standard size, standard height, traffic cones.
[A photo of 2 orange and white striped traffic cones against a white background.]
In front of me, he put a white pole with a magnet holding up a 3D image of a donut shape.
[A slightly 3D photo of a wide circle that has wide blue stripes with narrow white stripes.]
The donut shape is actually printed on two translucent sheets of plastic. The two sheets of plastic can be widened and narrowed, to change how the 3D image of the donut appears. Is it behind the cards? Is it in front of the cards? Is it 3 feet from you? Is it 12 feet from you? It's a nifty piece of simple technology to be able to create this illusion.
My task was to look at this 3D donut (which takes me a few moments - I have to move my eyeballs until I can discern the 3D image, instead of 2 images, side by side... it takes me a few moments, but I can do it. it's possible that I can do this more quickly now than when I first started going to therapy! Very exciting!)
Well, then I was to keep looking at the donut and walk to my left, around the cone to my left, and circle it, then walk to the other cone (originally to my right), around it the other way. Essentially, my feet were making an infinity symbol around the traffic cones.
My task was to continue walking in this fashion, around the cones, as I continued to stare at the 3D donut vision.
I did this a bunch of times -- walking between and around the cones, staring at the donut, keeping it as a 3D image in view.
After a bit of time, my vision therapist said, "You're doing a LOT of work here." Funny, it didn't actually FEEL like a lot of work.
But he explained to me that the view of the 3D image kept changing in perspective to where I was. I had to hold it as a 3D image - which meant that my eyes were keeping focused on a moving target, and continuing to work together as the target moved, and keep it as a 3D image. Wow! He was right! My eyes WERE doing a lot of work!
He decided, "that's probably enough work for today." I swear these vision therapists are trained to see when their client / patient is tired and worn down from work. I don't usually feel worn down, but they are kind and tell me to take breaks. They can see I am tired.
He and I went and sat down at the table to close out my session.
I looked at him. He was writing notes and then he looked at me.
I realized - this man was sitting across a table from me, maybe 3 feet away from me. And - WOAH:
The WALL behind him was FAR BEHIND HIM!
This was a MIRACLE for me. I was seeing in 3D for the first time ever in my whole life. I could see the negative space as it looked like air, in between him and the wall behind him.
I know I am repeating myself here - but - It was a miracle!
I told him: "I can see you, so close to me, and that wall behind you is REALLY FAR behind you!"
The surprise on my face was probably very clear, and he knew that I was seeing in 3D for the first time. He felt so close to me, I felt like I had to scoot my chair back. My personal space felt invaded, though I have sat across that table from him and from other vision therapists before.
WOW. I scooted back my chair and he and I just continued to gently look at each other. I looked at the wall behind him, the window in the wall. I looked at the other vision therapist, D, behind vision therapist C. I mean, it was super crazy.
He told me to be gentle with myself as I walked out of the room. he told me to take my time before I walked to my car. He told me to be careful before I got in the car to drive home. "Take your time, just be careful."
I walked to the waiting room. The hallway was LONG. The ceiling was CLOSE. I finally got to the busier than usual waiting room. A lot was going on. Dr. Davis was meeting a new patient - a little girl. He is so funny. He asked her, "did you bring both of your eyeballs with you today?" And she giggled and hugged him.
Another vision therapist, M, was explaining something to the parent of a teen boy who I often see in vision therapy with me. I tried what she said and it was crazy cool. I will type THAT in another post ....
I sat there and stared at the ceiling, the walls, the people in the room. There was a military man in uniform there. I looked at his boots. Everything was new and in 3D for me. I was in complete shock. This was a complete shock to my system.
I couldn't take the (very nice) ruckus in the waiting room anymore, so I gently got up from my chair and went out the front door. There are trees outside and holy cow, they had limbs coming towards me! I could see the parking lot, the tree across the parking lot, and the building way off in the distance. It was all in 3D.
I walked so slowly to my car. Everything was different. My entire world had changed!
Driving home was interesting. I kept slowing down for things. I thought they were way closer to me than they actually were. It reminded me how I have been parking 3 feet farther away from where I intend to park. My eyes must have already been starting to make this leap to 3D vision, but it was subtle and I didn't see it clearly until after this exercise with the traffic cones.
There is so much I want to share and type, and yet, the blog posts are too long already.
I may have to do a part 3 to this blog post. My whole world changed for nearly 24 hours, and I have only shared about an hour of it with you.
Thank you for reading my blog. Please leave me some comments. I love comments and feedback.
I haven't yet figured out why the comments turn off after a few weeks on the blog. I want them to always work, but I haven't figured that out yet. I'll get there. To misquote Bob Dylan: "My world, it is a'changing."
So, I have mentioned here before that I see in 2 dimensions. My eyes have never worked together, for as long as I can remember. I flicker between them very rapidly. As a result, I take in at least twice the information that everyone else takes in, and my brain has to make sense of it all.
When I am tired, I close one eye. When I am out in the sunlight, I close one eye. That probably has to do with my sensitivity to light, also (which my vision therapist is ALSO working on).
Well, so I remember years ago, probably in 1984, seeing Vincent Van Gogh's paintings of his room and the cafe, and I thought to myself: "of COURSE he painted them that way, that's how he saw them." Because that's how I see things.
Image courtesy of the Art Institute of Chicago's website: https://www.artic.edu
It turns out other people look at me in constant perplexity and cannot understand what I mean when I say that I see things in 2 dimensions.
You know how when you go to the movies, and you see a nice movie. Let's say: Star Wars. It has ships and motion and people talking. And it's all on a flat screen. That's how I see things.
[Image of Darth Vader talking with Princess Leah is from Pinterest. It's the only one that I could find to share.]
Then you can go to the exact same movie, and wear those 3D glasses, and suddenly, those ships are flying toward you. Maybe Darth Vader and Princess Lea are talking and they are closer to you than the background is. This is how I feel like the rest of the world must see things.
I don't see in 3D unless I am wearing special glasses, like the ones given in the movie theater. Those glasses have a certain way of bending light and such, to force a fake 3D image. They force your eyes to take in images as a 3D image, even though it's actually flat.
Anyway, so several weeks ago, I was sitting on my toilet (yes, I do that sometimes, don't make a big deal out of it), and I looked at the orange towel that one of my boys had haphazardly hung up on the rack. I stared at it. I realized it looked 3D to me. I could see the part that was folded and sticking out toward me - as if it was 3D.
I've NEVER seen 3D before that with my own eyes. I just wanted to sit there and stare at the stupid towel. Sloppily hung.
That week, I went in and told my vision therapist, A, about the towel. She was thrilled for me! She loves hearing my progress. She is working so hard with various kinds of prism glasses (I have previously typed this as prizm with a "z" and I don't have the energy to go back and fix my posts, but I have been corrected that this technology is spelled with an "s," and not a "z.")
I have caught one other glimpse of 3D in the "real" world somewhere else, since that towel. But I don't see it all the time, every day.
An interesting note .... as I typed this blog post, I have had my left eye shut. I just can't take in all that extra information. Reading and typing (typing while trying to loosely proofread my own stuff), I do this with 1 eye shut.
I look forward to having both of my eyes work together. I feel like life will be so much more easy and efficient for me, instead of so exhausting and trying every day, every moment, as soon as my eyes work the way they are supposed to.
This is one is the recent posts I did on that blog. I also post there as "anonymous" and have written other posts too.
One of our regular posts over there is on Thanksgiving Day; a bunch of us contribute every year.
This year, I am sure I will be sharing my gratitude for vision therapy.
In September, 2019, part of my story was in the Oprah Magazine. Here is a link to that story, too.
I just felt compelled to give a bit more information about my background.
Note: I wrote this blog post before I received my new glasses.
Once upon a time, I worked for Vinton “Vint” G. Cerf. He is often referred to as “The Father of the Internet.” I worked for him when he was one of the Vice Presidents for a large telecomm company named MCI/Worldcomm. My dad was once friends with the founder of MCI. Here’s a little tidbit - “MCI” stood for “Microwave Communications Incorporated.” Kind of interesting, isn’t it?
Vint Cerf was one of the coolest guys I have ever met. He is kind, smart, funny, clever. He was one of the technical advisors for Star Trek for a while. He may still be. I am not sure, actually. He is also on the board of directors of Gallaudet University. Vint Cerf wears hearing aids, or at least he did when I knew him. He also happens to be an excellent lip reader. I really enjoyed working with and for Vint Cerf. Last I heard, he was one of the big guys at Google. I wish him wonderful things. He wants to see Internet Protocol on everything.
His wife, to whom he’s been married for decades, was deaf when they got married. I am not entirely certain of the entire story, but my understanding is that she had always been deaf. She went through surgery to get a cochlear implant. I hope I spelled that correctly. It is an implant that goes on to the back or side of your head and helps a deaf person be able to hear. After she got the implant and the doctors turned it on, she called her husband on the phone. My memory says they had been married 20-30+ years at that point. He answered the phone and she got to hear his voice for the first time in their marriage.
Can you imagine someone’s life changing so drastically in that way? You’ve been married to and in love with someone for decades. And: you have never heard their voice. And suddenly, technology springs up, and now: you can hear your spouse’s voice for the first time. Wow.
I feel like when I get this new pair of glasses with their PRIZM technology, that my world will radically shift, too. I keep thinking about Vint’s wife’s world shifting when she first heard his voice after decades of silence.
Can you imagine having a decade of walking through 2 Dimensional moving pictures, and suddenly now you can see in 3D? My life is about to radically change.
